November 3, 2005 | Funny Bits

Penis court

A Pittsburgh woman has been convicted of simple assault and sentenced to six months probation for glueing her sleeping ex-lover's dick to his stomach, glueing one of his balls to his leg and gluing his butt cheeks together.

The gluefest ended when Gail O'Toole emptied a bottle of nail polish on Ken Slaby's head, whereupon he finally woke up. O'Toole then threw Slaby out of her house forcing him to walk a mile down the road to call police.

The victim underwent treatment from a dermatologist several times afterward. Slaby said his injuries included severe burning on parts of his body, impingement of normal bodily functions and discoloration of his hair.

Meanwhile, in Toronto, a Superior Court judge must decide whether to believe a 21-year-old accused who says he could not have committed a sexual assault because his dick is too big.

Mischa Beutling has pleaded not guilty to sexual assault on a female friend who spent the night at his home after partying in February 2004. 

During the trial, a urologist testified that Beutling's penis is in the top 5% range for size in comparison to the doctor's other patients. The court was shown a plastic model of a penis which approximated the accused's member in a semi-flaccid state, an impressive 8 1/2 inches in length and 6 1/2 inches in girth.

A model of the accused's fully erect penis was not made available to the court, nor did he volunteer a photograph or live demonstration.

According to the urologist, a woman who has not given birth would likely be injured if she were penetrated by penis that size, especially if she was not sexually aroused. The victim did not show such trauma after the alleged incident.

Justice Margaret Eberhard must weigh the evidence, including the plastic model, before handing down a verdict next month.

• Penis size used as defense in trial [Toronto Sun]
• Civil suit goes to court: a scorned lover, glue and a naked man [The Pittsburgh Channel]