November 18, 2006 | Funny Bits

Oh deer!

It seems pretty straightforward: If you've had sex with an animal, you've lost your bestial virginity. But what if you've had sex with a dead animal? Does that still count as bestiality? Not according to the lawyer for  Bryan James Hathaway, who faces criminal charges for having sex with a deer; he argues that because the deer was dead, it wasn't really an animal.

According to the Duluth News Tribune, Hathaway violated a local statute in Duluth, Minn., when he pulled over in early October to fornicate with a deer carcass that he saw lying on the side of the road. The statute forbids "crimes against sexual morality," including incest, bigamy, public sex and, of course, sex with animals.

Hathaway's lawyer, however, argues that the definition of animal -- "any of a kingdom of living beings," according to Webster's dictionary -- excludes his client from any wrongdoing.

"The statute does not prohibit one from having sex with a carcass," he said, adding that if the court forbids sex with a carcass, it will be inviting legal action from people who pleasure themselves with frozen turkeys, lunch meat and so on.

Meanwhile, the prosecution insists that the court doesn't need a dictionary to define "animal," but should instead look at how people actually use the word. For instance, when a dog dies, its owner still calls it a dog.

It's all become quite philosophical: "[The deer] did not lose its essence as a deer, an animal, when it died," said Assistant District Attorney James Boughner.

If convicted for his tryst with the dead deer, Hathaway faces up to nine months in jail and up to $10,000 in fines. Let's at least hope the court slaps a restraining order on him to keep him away from more innocent roadkill!

• Deer assault case presents unusual issues [Duluth News Tribune]
• Man has sex with dead deer [Metro.co.uk]