January 4, 2007 | Funny Bits

French, Italian, Blue Cheese ... or Semen?

High school cafeteria food isn't exactly known for being gourmet. The macaroni and cheese, if you believe student lore, is famously rubbery and the meat notoriously rancid. As for the salads ... well, let's just say that you don't even want to know the dressing's secret ingredient. Especially if you live in Wheaton, Ill. where a local  high school student recently confessed to spiking a bottle of Ranch dressing with his own cucumber cream.

Senior Marco Castro borrowed the dressing from his school's cafeteria Dec. 6 and jerked off in it in the boys' room before returning the bottle, according to the Naperville Sun. The dressing remained in the lunch room for more than two days until students -- at least two of which claim to have eaten the "special" dressing -- reported it.

In a Dec. 22 letter to parents and students, school officials and the local Health Department promised that there were no health hazards posed by Castro's special sauce. While officials would not release his health tests or reveal how he was punished by the school he has been charged with aggravated battery and disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor, and could face felony charges if individual students take civil action.

While it's highly unlikely Castro would end up in the slammer, we hope he's learned his lesson:  prison cooks are not nearly as forgiving as the Wheaton High School lunch ladies.

• Wheaton students safe from tainted salad dressing [Naperville Sun]